First Man (October 2018)

Though September is technically a “summer month”, nights are beginning to get vaguely chilly, and cardigan-legging combos are slowly claiming their place back in society’s wardrobe. With summer beginning to submit to the will of the people, fall will shortly be upon us. Which means it’s finally time for our historically-based, outer-space-placed, teardrop-emoji-faced movies of the year! Tis the season when the common Hollywood producer knows that the only way kids will step foot in a movie theater is if their homework is done, and mom can be convinced there’s some sort of familial value in the film of choice.

The ideal fall movie involves some –if not all– of the following elements:

  • Overcoming a physical disability
  • Being set in the sixties
  • Children riding bikes through dead leaves
  • Overcoming mental barriers
  • A strong female actress (preferably African American)
  • Metaphors involving chocolate
  • Ryan Gosling
  • Science and math that no one understands
  • Overcoming racism for the sake of the team
  • Children who’s parents don’t supervise them nearly enough
  • A woman accomplishing something that no one ever noticed until this movie was made
  • Overcoming a speech impediment in the face of a public speaking event
  • A nod of approval from the tough guy
  • Lieutenant Dan losing his legs
  • The American Flag

Passing most of the above requirements with flying colors (pun intended… to the dissatisfaction of certain Americans, no colors were flown in this movie. I’m bad.) First Man is sure to be the best not-so-anticipated-but-good-enough-to-see-at-matinee-price film of 2018. So let’s watch the trailer and then I’ll explain why this movie is about to replace October Sky as #1 movie 5th grade teachers show in class when they don’t feel like making a lesson plan.

Right off the bat this trailer establishes that even a rocket blasting into space can’t hold the attention of an audience when placed in the same shot as Ryan Gosling’s face. While this trailer can easily be summarized as over-thrilling for what’s sure to be a slow-burn drama with exactly one point of climax, it manages to both justify the movie’s scientific accuracy and confirm its genre in one shot of a man underlining the word “moon” on a chalkboard. Chills.

Unlike most movie trailers that tease every major plot point of the film, this trailer knows better than to insult audience intelligence by alluding the the ending and leaves the story of history’s first moon landing (that we know of) a suspenseful mystery. With griping shots of pens floating in zero gravity, and a countdown from 6– smart move saving the full 10 for the movie–audiences will hardly be able to wait and find out if Neil Armstrong’s mission was a success or not.

With what is most likely the entire duration of Clair Foy’s screen time in her portrayal of Carol Held Knight, this trailer manages to showcase several of the film’s family values and domestic truisms. In just 2 minutes and 30 seconds, Foy’s perfect execution of the “worried female” role is played out. It’s like the trailer decided to just put her entire character arch in there. The arc of pretending to be a supportive wife but eventually losing your chill in an extreme fit of anger… so not much of an arc. More of an upward ascending arrow that never comes down.

Emotionally prepare yourself for a movie that is sure to tap that favorite feelings-vein of yours with a child asking their space-venturing father if he will return. Then mentally prepare yourself for the internal debate of whether or not Ryan Gosling is pre-maturely transitioning into middle-aged acting roles.

Well that’s really all I have to say. We’ll see if it’s good.

P.S. By far the most important and  part of trailer is the blatant promise of the PG-13 one-time use f-bomb. What a pleasant spoiler.

Fallout: Mission Impossible

Do explosions turn you on? Does anything without Tom Cruise in it turn you off? Do you think the reason they called the new mission impossible movie “Fallout” because that’s what happens to your intestines while watching it? Prepare yourself for a totally unbiased review of the greatest summer movie of all time.

The followingT reviewO isM spCoilerR freeU, hoIwSeverE this LsenItenVce iEs notS.

While lots of action movies are known for being predictably unpredictable, this action movie does the same exact thing.

Watch as the good guys send some other good guys along with a bad guy pretending to be a good guy to find some bad guys in London who are pretending to be bad guys pretending to be good guys so that they can trick the actual bad guy into thinking he’s good while the actual good guy is pretending to be tricked into thinking he’s bad.

And that’s just the first half hour.

Appreciate the first Mission Impossible to bravely nod to the Bechdel test as she passes it on the road of cultural activism.

Marvel as shamelessly nostalgic producers frolic through the meadows of political neutrality by including not two, but three gorgeous women who sacrifice their full range acting abilities for the survival of overly-simplified gender roles.

Feel uncomfortable as you realize that a seemingly sexless movie has 90% of its male audience covering their laps with their girlfriend’s purse as they watch Tom Cruise, once again, jump onto an aircraft that has already taken off.

Overcome the fact that Tom Cruise is aging and has developed what seem to be human jowls that–despite the good days of Top Gun–will forever ruin your most secret fantasies.

Somewhere in the middle of the movie, realize that every minute of this cinematic wonder is gifted to you at only –let’s see tickets for two people were $21.53, divided by two, minus commercials, plus extra butter– $1.50 every 20 minutes which is approximately 28-trips-to-work’s worth of gas…it adds up if $21.53 fills half your tank and you live approx. 5 miles from work. Of course there are other variables like what kind of car you drive, and I only accounted for a one-way trip, but generally speaking…Who’s counting?

Anyway, I loved every minute of it.

P.S. That last bit was not sarcasm. I really really loved this movie. Go and see it. It’s everything you could want in an action movie starring an old Tom Cruise.

 

 

Mock Ad

I made this mock ad because I just thought we all needed a visual commentary on basic AF engagement photos where the guy is nothing more than an accessory to the girl’s modeling ambitions. It was actually a really fun photo shoot though…

Flyer Photo