Fallout: Mission Impossible

Do explosions turn you on? Does anything without Tom Cruise in it turn you off? Do you think the reason they called the new mission impossible movie “Fallout” because that’s what happens to your intestines while watching it? Prepare yourself for a totally unbiased review of the greatest summer movie of all time.

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While lots of action movies are known for being predictably unpredictable, this action movie does the same exact thing.

Watch as the good guys send some other good guys along with a bad guy pretending to be a good guy to find some bad guys in London who are pretending to be bad guys pretending to be good guys so that they can trick the actual bad guy into thinking he’s good while the actual good guy is pretending to be tricked into thinking he’s bad.

And that’s just the first half hour.

Appreciate the first Mission Impossible to bravely nod to the Bechdel test as she passes it on the road of cultural activism.

Marvel as shamelessly nostalgic producers frolic through the meadows of political neutrality by including not two, but three gorgeous women who sacrifice their full range acting abilities for the survival of overly-simplified gender roles.

Feel uncomfortable as you realize that a seemingly sexless movie has 90% of its male audience covering their laps with their girlfriend’s purse as they watch Tom Cruise, once again, jump onto an aircraft that has already taken off.

Overcome the fact that Tom Cruise is aging and has developed what seem to be human jowls that–despite the good days of Top Gun–will forever ruin your most secret fantasies.

Somewhere in the middle of the movie, realize that every minute of this cinematic wonder is gifted to you at only –let’s see tickets for two people were $21.53, divided by two, minus commercials, plus extra butter– $1.50 every 20 minutes which is approximately 28-trips-to-work’s worth of gas…it adds up if $21.53 fills half your tank and you live approx. 5 miles from work. Of course there are other variables like what kind of car you drive, and I only accounted for a one-way trip, but generally speaking…Who’s counting?

Anyway, I loved every minute of it.

P.S. That last bit was not sarcasm. I really really loved this movie. Go and see it. It’s everything you could want in an action movie starring an old Tom Cruise.